Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
