The stories of what you did in Cuba got home before you.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
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