I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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