i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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