Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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