I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
