can we get nightvision for the apartment?
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
