i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
