Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
