every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
