it feels like my vag is blowing bubbles
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
