literally had 100 drinks last night.
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
