After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
