He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
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