so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
