I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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