my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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