wanna go halves on a baby?
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I found my old addy guy via fb who clearly understands the supply and demand curve of addy during finals so he's gonna hook me up.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
