trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
