He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
Randomize
