i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
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