There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
