she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Randomize
