I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Randomize
