so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
Randomize
