LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
