I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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