By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
organizing the empties. That sober.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
We're too hungover to prance.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
