i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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