I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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