Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
