Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
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