I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Randomize
