just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
