I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
