Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
