I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I cant believe they held hands while getting simultaneous bjs
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
