I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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