Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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