Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We need to get me chipped asap
Randomize
