Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
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