I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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