I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
