I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
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