I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Operation Purity has been aborted
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
