why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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