evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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