I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
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