it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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