yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
