Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
being pregnant is like rehab
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize
