Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
