He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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