I haven't been this sober since birth.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
