Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize