The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
