I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
her facebook's as public as her vagina
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
