the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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