Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
