Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
