so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
