When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
Randomize
